Incompetence Thrives When Conflict is Avoided
The way you are (or aren’t) leading, may be why your employees are killing you!
I recently worked with a leader who was beyond frustrated when a report his employee was working on had not been submitted, nor had he even seen a draft of it. He was worried for months that his employee hadn’t made any progress, but he allowed the employee to continue on because he didn’t want to be seen as micromanaging or treat her without trust. The manager also knew that the employee was difficult, she was notorious for not getting her job done, and even though the leader had put in reporting plans and check-ins, he didn’t follow through when neither of those steps were met. This avoidance of the issue went on for so long that the only recourse was to hope their client would forget a report was due to be filed, and find solutions for getting 9 months of work done in a couple of weeks. While our conversations were around dealing with insubordination, and possible termination, I couldn’t help but ask why he put up with the work not being submitted and behaviour issues, instead of dealing with it immediately. The leader said “I really hoped I was wrong, she’s a professional, and I didn’t want to offend anyone.”
This was only one of the dozens of conversations I’ve had with clients where it has become clear that incompetence has been allowed to thrive, because having the difficult conversation was avoided.
Now, it’s not usually intentional. In fact, the leaders I work with never woke up and said, “I’m okay with this disappointing performance today.” Instead, it happens quietly, subtly, and often with a hope and a prayer that what they experienced will resolve on its own. Sometimes the lack of feedback is done in the name of kindness, to protect feelings, or to not rock the boat, sure it must be an isolated situation. However, more often we accept a problem longer than we should because it is easier to avoid the truth, and accept that ‘this is just how John or Jill is’, then accept the responsibility of initiating a constructive conversation. Unfortunately here’s the truth few people like to admit:
We cannot lead effectively if we are afraid of hurting feelings.
I don’t mean we abandon empathy or compassion, those are non-negotiable (and anyone who knows me knows empathy often leads me). However, leadership requires courage, and it requires us to think in facts over feelings. It means stepping into conversations that are uncomfortable, direct, and honest…all of which can be done through a compassionate voice. It requires separating our emotions from the actions we must take to support someone’s growth and protect the integrity of the organization.
Why Avoidance Creates Incompetence
In another situation, we had a client that was concerned her employee wasn’t taking the time off that he should. Even when he was going to go on medical leave, he told her that he would continue to do his tasks so that they wouldn’t get behind, and she was going to let him. This created alarm bells for me because something was obviously amiss. Either the workload was too heavy, the expectations too high, or the most alarming reason, was the employee was creating a cover for the incompetency that would be discovered when they were away. Even more concerning though, was that the employer was going to allow their employee to ‘limp along unwell’ opposed to having the difficult conversation about how this plan would not work because it was not the right thing to do for anyone.
There is a point to clarify though when it comes to mistakes versus incompetence. Everyone will make a mistake. They may file a report late, they may forget to send an email, or followup with a client. However in environments where communication and opportunity for feedback and accountability is present, incompetency does not get fed. Incompetency grows when those one-off mistakes are not addressed and accountability is not demanded. It starts as a little weed, that if ignored will take over the whole garden, but if addressed can be easily removed so that what you want to grow can thrive. If we avoid addressing the mistakes and why they happened, we blindly accept the outcome.
When leaders avoid conflict, four things happen:
Expectations become blurry.
People can’t meet expectations they don’t fully understand. Avoiding clarity, especially around performance, invites inconsistency, confusion, and frustration, which leads to disengagement.Accountability disappears.
When no one is held accountable, the message becomes: “This level of work is acceptable.” …and then it continues. Unfortunately that work ethic may trickle to other employees, because lack of work ethic can become a symptom of a poorly directed environment. The best of example of this environments where start and stop times are important. When the work day starts at 7:00 am and you have one or two employees showing up at 7:10…chances are more will follow. Why? Because if it was important the issue would be addressed and the expectations would be set.Culture erodes.
High performers may either consciously or subconsciously dilute their effort when they see low performers protected by silence. Teams start accepting dysfunction instead of addressing it, and managing toxicity becomes a full time job. You will have individuals that take pride in their work and maintain that output not matter what, avoiding the toxic behaviour. I promise you though, the toxicity is still impacting them, even if it is not impacting their work. Most of the time though, an eroded culture seldom leaves anyone standing on solid ground.Incompetency remains hidden
When we ignore what is right in front of us, we are held hostage to everything else. From what we do and don’t see, what we want and don’t want - it becomes irrelevant because leadership can not be selective. We can not accept a report not being filed today, and then expect the rules to be followed tomorrow without a constructive conversation. We can not be surprised as leaders when we discover further incompetence, as behaviours and productivity not addressed becomes the learned or reinforced behaviour that we get. Unfortunately these behaviours are seldom performed in isolation and you can’t be just a little bit incompetent.
The result?
Good people leave, poor habits take root, and the organization pays the price, financially, emotionally, and culturally. Oh…and the situation I just wrote about…I was correct. The employee was so behind on all of their work that they were protecting their incompetence by limiting access and oversight to it. It was discovered days after they went on their leave that major parts of their role had not been completed correctly, or even ever!
Feedback Is Not a Personal Attack
One of the biggest misconceptions I see is the belief that providing feedback or setting boundaries is inherently emotional or that it’s mean, harsh, or likely to harm the relationship.
The opposite is true.
Clear, consistent, emotionally neutral feedback is one of the greatest acts of respect a leader can offer.
It tells your team:
I believe you can improve.
I care enough to be honest.
I trust you with the truth.
I’m invested in your success and the success of our organization.
I’m watching and paying attention to what you are doing (or not doing).
Avoiding the conversation doesn’t spare someone’s feelings, it silently endorses their struggle, their frustration, and their ongoing performance issues.
Leading without emotion isn’t being cold - it’s sticking to the facts!
When we approach leadership decisions from a place of fear (“I don’t want them to be upset”) instead of purpose (“What does the team and organization need?”), we lose sight of our role. Further, when we start conversations with “you made me feel…” it becomes a subjective conversation that allows the other person to disagree and check out, opposed to having to acknowledge the facts.
Leaders are not paid to preserve comfort above all else.
Leaders are paid to create clarity.
To build confidence.
To uphold standards.
To ensure people can thrive in their roles.
Guiding staff, setting expectations, and addressing misalignment are business imperatives, not emotional negotiations. It is much easier to have a constructive conversation based on facts, then to hope the message is received through feelings.
There is a time and a place for feelings, however when you attach feelings to the problem that you are hoping to be resolved, the feelings become the focus, not the problem itself.
For example:
”You made me angry when I saw the report wasn’t filed on time.” In this scenario, the resolution will be focused on preventing you from feeling angry or justifying how those feelings are wrong, rather than examining ‘why’ the report was late, and why a late report even matters.
versus
“You didn’t file the report on time, can you tell me why?” In this scenario, we are focused on the fact that the report is late, and are asking for accountability. It allows for the conversation to be solution-focused instead of problem-sustaining.
It is hard to hide when the facts are clear.
If we consistently lead from emotion, we will never get the outcomes our people need, our teams rely on, or our business requires to succeed, instead we may get a defence, or have to address an issue that is not ours to solve. I once worked for a ‘yeller’ who managed by terror. This did not get him the result he wanted - instead it created a culture of constant turnover, trauma-bonded employees, and workplace reviews. The work was getting completed, but it was at a huge cost to the company - especially when it came to their reputation.
Constructive Conversations Are a Leadership Skill That MUST be Aqquired
You don’t need to be naturally strong or confrontational to handle difficult conversations well. You just need to be:
Clear about expectations
Kind in your delivery
Neutral in tone
Consistent in follow-through
Committed to the growth of your team and organization
Factual with the information being delivered
Delivery becomes easier when you understand that feedback isn’t conflict, it’s alignment and consistency.
If You Want a High-Performing Team, You Must Be a High-Performing Communicator
The best teams I’ve ever worked with have one thing in common: they don’t let small issues become big ones. They deal with reality in real time. They embrace discomfort for the sake of progress, and they don’t let issues continue for days, weeks, or months, then expect a different outcome when it’s never been corrected. If we allow incompetency to creep in, our organization will not survive. When leaders stop avoiding conflict, they start creating environments where people get to thrive, and those are the direct benefits to the organization, the rest of the team, and you as a leader!